The Great Geek Manual

Raspberry Jam
by Brendan Procé

Some things you don’t want to hear about the jar of raspberry jam you’re holding if you’re 10 feet up the “trail” from your sole companion who is, like you, freezing to death in knee-deep snow on the wind-whipped face of this Godforsaken, spruce-and-pine-covered mountain and it’s the only thing either of you has to eat:

“I’m going to kill you for that raspberry jam.”

“I’m thinking of ways I can murder you for your raspberry jam.”

“I’d club you to death for that raspberry jam even if we were back in the suburbs.”
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I was just cleaning out the my notebook where I write all my blogs before posting them, when I ran across this. I was originally going to post it the day after the tasering incident, but I thought that it would be too callous to post so close to the event itself. One thing lead to another, and before you know it, the year has passed. But now we (by which I mean those of us not living in fear on UCLA’s campus) can all sit back and have a good laugh. So, I give you twelve things overheard at Powell Library on the night of the student tasering…

“As widely reported, an incident in which Iranian-American student Mostafa Tabatabainejad was tasered up to five times by UCLA police on Friday, has been captured by a fellow student using a video enabled cell phone and published to YouTube. From the Daily Bruin: ‘At around 11:30 p.m. Tuesday, Tabatabainejad, a fourth-year Middle Eastern and North African studies and philosophy student, was asked to leave the library for failing to present his BruinCard during a random check. The 23-year-old student was hit with a Taser five times when he did not leave quickly and cooperatively upon being asked to do so.’ In a story which has raised concerns of racial profiling, police brutality and the health risks of taser use, the ubiquity of video cell phone technology has given us a first hand record of an incident which might otherwise have been a he-said, she-said affair. While the publishing of the video to YouTube has given the issue compelling popular exposure beyond the immediate campus community.”

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Resolution: I will spend less time online and more time in the real world.
Reality: Burning Crusade hits shelves January 16, and every time someone else hits 70 before you, you die a little inside.

Resolution: I will only blame Bill Gates for things that are actually his fault.
Reality: Microsoft promises new Vistas of frustration in the coming year and “Damn you, Steve Ballmer!” just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

Resolution: I will be more magnanimous with my family tech support.
Reality: Ubuntu would seriously kick ass on Grandma’s computer!

Resolution: I will only make insightful, relevant posts in forums.
Reality: With foolish speculation sparked by the latest Harry Potter title flying thick and fast and Vista hitting the shelves, there is no emoticon to express the rage that I’m feeling!

Resolution: I will not make expensive hardware upgrades for minor increases in performance.
Reality: That’s easy for you to say now, with your nice new Christmas computer, but you’ll be Googling until you have blisters to ensure that your hardware takes advantage of every new Vista feature.
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I saw these comics over at Statueforum.com and I had to share. Just when it seems that Marvel character are everywhere, BAAM. They hit the Sunday funnies. Enjoy.

10. When equipping characters, he insists on a Prada backpack.

9. He refers to his boots as “strappy” on his character sheet.

8. He pitches a tantrum during your stay in Mithril Hall, after discovering there is no Dwarven Margarita.

7. During strategy sessions, the phrase “Chorus Line” is bandied about with impunity.

6. Despite the availability of a plate armor class, he insists on sticking with the leather.
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Let’s face it Dungeon & Dragon players have a tentative grip on reality to begin with. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell when one of them has finally cracked for good. But, should you become concerned that your GM may be one dorm party away from pilgrimage to seek the Great Hall in New York City, check the list before consulting a physician.

10. He is the only one who shows up to the game in costume.

9. The costume is Dumbledore’s ghost …

8. And he periodically rages on about how it was the Potter kid who really shoved him.

7. He peers at you from the two eye holes he cut into the GM screen…

6. Which is, in fact, a dead cat …
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