Every year, at about this time, ThinkGeek’s HTTPanties begin making the rounds of blogs, gadget portals, and social bookmarking sites. As popular as these items seem to be, I keep waiting for ThinkGeek to expand on the line. After all, there are at least forty HTTP status codes out there.
I suspect that the problem is that ThinkGeek is having a hard time coming up with target markets for each of the various messages. So, to help things along, I’ve generated some ideas regarding potential target markets. And I think that they just might catch on! If so, keep your eyes pealed for the future Great Geek Manual gift shop …
100: Continue – For girls with a third date policy that they want to communicate without seeming like a complete slut.
101: Switching Protocols – For transvestites, who are looking for a special way to say, “Surprise! I’m not really a chick!”
300: Multiple Choices – Let’s just say these are for the more… “experienced” girls out there.
401: Unauthorized – Similar to 403 Forbidden, but specifically for use when authentication is possible but hasn’t yet been provided. These are just all-around great first date panties for girls who aren’t waiting for their wedding night, but are waiting for Mr. Right. I can hardly imagine a more marketable product a girl who wants to wear a skirt on the first date, but doesn’t feel like spending the entire night slapping a hand away.
402: Payment Required – Well… come on, a girl can’t exactly walk around with it on a t-shirt.
403: Forbidden – Good for girls waiting for their wedding night, as well as for those sadists who just can’t forgive a little thing like a missed anniversary.
404: Not Found – Perfect for girls interesting in encouraging that someone special to apply a little more technique in the bedroom.
405: Method Not Allowed – For old-fashioned girls interested in discouraging overzealous exploration.
406: Not Acceptable – Sorry guys, these are for the girls determined to wait until their wedding night.
407: Proxy Authentication Required – For girls who insist that a guys meets her parent before giving it up.
408: Request Timeout – For girls who need a break. Otherwise known as the “headache alternative,” these are specifically designed for weeks when the plausibility of a headache three nights in a row begins to wear thin.
409: Conflict – Enough said. What dysfunctional relationship is complete without a pair?
410: Gone – Better than a Dear John Letter for the girl who wants to be remembered fondly.
411: Length Required – Possibly for girls looking to flatter their regular boyfriends by purchasing a pair after rounding all the bases. Otherwise, they remain the remain the exclusive domain of barroom hotties who’ve got enough choices at any given time to be choosey.
412: Precondition Failed – Designed specifically for the snobby girls out there (you know who you are), as a mid-date costume change that lets a date know that there’s a reason you only troll the bars near the law school.
413: Request Entity Too Large – Especially designed for girls who want to flatter that special someone new in their life. Otherwise known as “the third date special“.
414: Request-URI Too Long – For girls ready to skip the foreplay and get right down to business.
415: Unsupported Media Type – For the girl who draws the line at doing it on camera. Otherwise known as “415: Not YouTube Compatible“.
416: Requested Range Not Satisfiable – For the inexperienced girl without a whole lot of tricks in her repertoire.
417: Expectation Failed – Ouch! For the girl heartless enough to think it but not brave enough to say it to his face. Use with care girls. This one is a relationship killer.
426: Upgrade Required – For girls eager to make it clear that “Status: Occasional Fling” or “Status: Girlfriend” is no longer acceptable.
500: Internal Server Error – For girls who are a bit under the weather and don’t feel like playing… or reminding their boyfriend another twenty times that they aren’t feeling well.
501: Not Implemented – For girls who find themselves in the awkward position of having a newly ambitious boyfriend who has decided to attempt to work obscure Kama Sutra positions into the regular routine. Otherwise known as “501: What the hell are you trying to do?“.
502: Bad Gateway – We’ll just say that this is the one set of panties that don’t feature the message on the front… Otherwise known as “502: Don’t believe everything you see in porn movies“.
503: Service Unavailable – A tactful notice for that time of the month.
504: Gateway Timeout – Just a friendly reminder that someone has to be up in the morning.
505: HTTP Version Not Supported – For girls who refuse to cyber.
509: Bandwidth Limit Exceeded – Largely for married women. Cuz, let’s face it, even after the upgrade, the ring only gets you so much.
“HTTPanties Error Messages” was written by Pipedreamergrey and originally posted to The Great Geek Manual. It may be reposted so long as this notice remains intact. © 2008 Pipedreamergrey
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