The Great Geek Manual

Every since J.K. Rowlings revealed the title of the seventh and final installment in the Harry Potter series, speculation over how the series will end has been flying thick and fast. However, I predict that, like many other twists in the series, you won’t see the end coming.

7. Voldemort finally reveals the truth to Harry, “Dumbledore told you I killed your father. He lied! I, Voldemort, am your father!” Hermione later turns out to be Harry’s long lost twin sister.

6. Harry retrieves the final five Hoarcruxes, only to enter into an amicable agreement with Voldemort whereby they postpone their showdown for seven more books.

5. Dumbledore returns, cloaked in robes of white, at which point the estate of J.R.R. Tolkien intervenes and the rest of the book is withheld by a court ordered injunction.

4. After learning the truth of the prophecy as told to Harry by Dumbledore, Neville Longbottom decides to take matters into his own hands. He neatly finishes off Voldemort in one book, then seriously fucks up Harry for stealing the seven book franchise that should have been his to begin with.

3. After waiting a decade for conclusion of the saga of the Boy Who Lived, millions of fans around world wait in line the night before the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows only to receive a notice that the final book will not be made available to the public until J.K. Rowlings is made the new reigning monarch of England. The British parliament has a good laugh … until the fighting breaks out.

2. Harry Potter does indeed die, and, as in all British literature, the butler did it. That’s right. Doby finally shows his true colors.

1. In a satellite-broadcast world event, J.K. Rowlings appears before her millions of fans on the night before the announced release of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, holds her hand-written manuscript aloft, and in one supreme demonstration of the disdain she holds for all of her readers, casts the manuscript into a great cauldron of fire, declaring, “Now, you’ll NEVER know how it ends, you little bastards!”

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“Seven Endings you didn’t See Coming for Harry Potter Seven” was written by Pipedreamergrey and originally posted to The Great Geek Manual. It may be reposted so long as this notice remains intact. Copyright 2007 Pipedreamergrey.

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