The Great Geek Manual

Someone from Nerve.com asked me if I played D&D and if I’d be willing to participate in their “Sex Advice from a…” column. (The theme, this time, being “…from a D&D Player.”) I just got an email from her editor saying “we need some responses that aren’t so related to the game Dungeons & Dragons.” They ask for comedy gold, yet I had already given them comedy platinum! (And they would obviously rather laugh at someone than laugh with them.)

My lover and I enjoy role-play, but I’ve gotten tired of the same cliché scenarios like student/teacher and boss/secretary. Any recommendations for new roles that might help spice it up?

I don’t know what system you’re playing, but “student/teacher” and “boss/secretary” do not sound like choices that would inspire one to role-playing greatness. Consider a classic like “cleric of the watcher from the depths/virgin” or “half-orc paladin/gelatinous cube.” And remember, silken rope may be more expensive, but it’s nearly half the weight in encumbrance.

I’ve been dating someone really great for a few months, but he’s never referred to me as his girlfriend. How do I take it to another Level?

While the obvious answer is “Accomplish a story task in the boyfriend track for XP equal or greater to your next level threshold,” I get the feeling you might be hinting that you want to descend into the fetid labyrinth that festers beneath his ancient wizard’s tower. In that case the stairs are in quadrant M23, behind the Throne of the Kobold Hetman.

I’m into S&M and so is my lover, but we can’t afford to visit a dungeon. How can we create a dungeon ambiance at home without going broke?

It’s been years since I’ve seen anyone playing that proto-system “Swords & Magic!” Kudos to your fine taste; And huzzah. Do not discount the scene-setting potential of ambient background noise. May I recommend “Swords & Magic Scintillating Soundscapes: Volume IV: Bigby’s Blue Basement”? (Available on reel-to-reel and microcassette.)

What’s more important: 18 Dexterity, or 18 Endurance (or 18 Charisma)?

Note: “Endurance” is, in D&D parlance, “Constitution.” I mean duh!

Depending on your chosen character class, any could important. A high charisma makes it dead simple to lure lusty tavern wenches up to your three-copper mat of straw. (Hint: Use clean straw for that special someone!) A high Constitution allows one to produce up to 1d3+1 draughts of seminal fluid per round, ensuring a high success percentage on any procreation rolls. I have heard – and ye be tellin’ no man n’er beast from whence this knowledge sprang – that a high Dex gives one the ability to give pleasure to others. I suspect it’s an urban arcanum legend.

I think nerdy women are hot. Where and how do I meet them?

Where? 1. DragonCon 2. WyrmCon 3. WyvernCon 4. TiamatCon 5. The Texas Instruments Graphing Calculator Showroom.

How? I recommend telephoto lens, at least 300mm.

My girlfriend is older and more experienced than me. What can I do to impress her in bed?

Ah ha! Clearly you are looking for Feats, introduced in the Third Edition ruleset, which offer a variety of abilities that can be used to impress or distract your opponent. Consider: “Acrobatic,” “Alertness,”” “Animal Affinity,” “Armor Proficiency (Medium),” and “Athletic.” (And that’s just from the As!)

See also: “Blind-Fight,” “Cleave,” “Craft Rod,” “Deflect Arrows,” “Enlarge Spell,” “Extend Spell,” “Greater Two-Weapon Fighting,” “Iron Will,” “Mounted Combat,” “Rapid Reload,” or “Shot on the Run.” (Actually, pretty much all the Feats are gold.)

What skills do D&D players have that can be applied to sex?

I can open a two-liter of Mountain Dew with the armored ridge of my taint. ’nuff said.

Is it possible to have sex with someone if you don’t respect their character?

No. If you can’t pretend to respect the person they pretend to be, how can they expect you to pretend to respect the person they are? Ask them to re-roll.

I am a 27-year old virgin. It’s not that I’m unattractive or totally uncool, I just never found anyone I really wanted. But now I’m ready. Where should I go to lose my virginity in a really memorable way?

Chuck, you asshole. It’s one thing to miss the game but you were on Burrito Supreme duty. Get thee over to my place tomorrow and we’ll do a solo adventure that should satisfy your curiosity. Bring your latex dice bag.

I have a medieval costume fetish. How do I interest a partner in this?

Easy as regenerating a limb with troll’s blood! Are you a woman? Simply dress up in a bikini, link together a few pop can tabs into something resembling chain mail, and drape your “armor” over your crotch or breasts.

Are you a man? Oh, fucking forget about it. You can call it your “Wand of Wonder” all you like but she’s still going to laugh at your cape.

My last lover cheated on me. How can I learn to trust again?

Experience is a harsh mistress. Or wait, no, Xytherias of Calmodorn is a harsh mistress. XP is just a bitch.

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“Sex Advice from a Dungeons and Dragons Player” was originally published by Joel November on Dethroner on November 22nd, 2006 in Ask Dethroner.