The Great Geek Manual

Some Regal Cinemas movie theaters have released a new gadget that lets movie goers complain about disturbances during a movie, pirates, or projection issues with the movie itself. Called the Regal Guest Response System, the remote control device is handed out to “a random member of the Regal Crown Club Loyalty Program attending each movie.” If anything annoying happens, they just have to press a button to page a manager.

It’s a great idea. Lately, it seems like ushers are a thing of the past and every other movie I go to see features a jackass on a cellphone three rows behind me. Still, what would possess Regal Cinemas to stop at FOUR buttons? I mean, if you’re going to have more than just the one button necessary to call someone in, why not be a little more specific with the complaints? I’ve personally come up with another ten options that I would personally like to see added to these gizmos.

10. Screen-Talker – Some fool believes that the characters can hear what the audience is saying

09. Cellphone – Talking to friends while watching movies? What a fantastic idea. Come remind them that they can do that at home for free.

08. Laser pointer – Someone’s got a laser pointer trained on the screen. Bring me one, too!

07. Stuck – My feet are soda-soldered to the floor. Bring more soda to dissolve the gunk away!

06. Hormones – Teens are having sex in back row. Bring a hose!

05. Proximity – Despite having 499 other seats to choose from, another patron has choosen to sit in the seat immediately next to or behind me.

04. Children – Someone has decided to bring their five year old to a nine o’clock showing of a PG-13 movie. Please bring tasers.

03. Commercial – I’ve just paid fifteen dollars for admission, food, and drink. Play the damn movie already.

02. Soda – I just paid ten dollars to watch a ninety-minute movie, and I’ve emptied my cup five minutes into that movie because I’ve had to watch ten minutes of commercials and you’ve over-salted the popcorn.

01. Middle-age – People in their forties who thought they were hip enough for this movie are asking each other questions about what’s happening. Please re-direct them to the eighties.

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“Top Ten Remote Controlled Complaint Buttons” was written by Pipedreamergrey and originally posted to The Great Geek Manual. It may be reposted so long as this notice remains intact. Copyright 2007 Pipedreamergrey.