The Great Geek Manual

Last December, the world’s greatest magazine, Fantasy and Science Fiction Magazine, announced the winners of Competition #72, “Haunted by the Ghostwriter.” Contestants were called upon to write a passage by a notable author as if it had been ghostwritten by another author. The resulting first place winner was Stephen Hawking writing for Dr. Seuss:
“I do not like this wobbly thing, this wriggly ring, this wiggly string. / I do not like it, Albert E., / for now you’re obsolete, you see. / Our world is all Kaluza-Klein / and oozy, foamy, weird spacetime, / where quantum tunnels, funnels, sleds / let apples slide through Newton’s head!”

I had good chortle over the contest entries, and they set me to thinking about other authors who might lend an amusing twist to my own favorite books. I set the idea aside for a later blog entry and promptly forgot all about it. Then, in the weeks leading up to the premiere of Spider-Man 3, it hit me! What if Stan Lee were asked to step in as the writer of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series?

It’s not such a leap, after all. Think about it? Lee and Rowling are two of the most widely recognized people on the planet. Both have produced stunning cultural icons that have garnered them legions of adoring, obsessive fans. Both single-handedly re-invigorated a waning media industry. Both draw many neighsayers who claim their work isn’t altogether original. Both are … errr … mildly … eccentric. Both freaking love alliteration!

So I decided to ask, What would happen if Stan Lee ghostwrote the Harry Potter series?

10. Harry’s man servant, Doby, would be as loyal as ever but with a drier wit and a remarkable proficient with energy weapons.

09. Upon touching rings, George would be able to transform into any animal and Fred would be able to transform into any object. Yeah, it’s from the DC Universe, but since when has Stan been above borrowing superpowers wholesale?

08. Cross-overs, cross-overs, and more cross-overs! While Hagrid is off on his secret mission for Dumbledore, he would invite the Thing to fill in for him. The Chameleon (posing as Mad-Eye Moody) would stand in as the Defense against the Dark Arts professor during Order of the Phoenix. Apocalypse might suddenly decide that it’s necessary to extinguish all Wizards in a three part special featuring the X-Men.

07. Every movie would end with a Stan Lee voice-over reminding you to “Stay tuned for the next Harrowing Harry Potter!”

06. The covers would be radically dramatized and have little or nothing to do with the actual storyline.

05. During the summers, Harry would live with his adoptive family, the Jamesons.

04. Everyone who has died in the Harry Potter series would immediately return … except Harry’s parents and “Uncle” Sirius, since a scar doesn’t entitle him to what Spidey can’t have.

03. Ginny’s new tag line: Go get ‘em Tiger! Her new outfit: Skin tight jeans and a tight sweater. Complaints: Zero.

02. Ginny would be referred to as the Scarlet Witch, which would work out just fine, since they both tap into the “Chaos Magic.”

01. One word: Cleavage. As in more of it. Hermione would have D cups by the second book. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

Feel free to send your own!

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“What if Stan Lee Wrote Harry Potter?” was written by Pipedreamergrey and originally posted to The Great Geek Manual. It may be reposted so long as this notice remains in tact.